How to Be a Bad Neighbor

Here is a guide to help you be the very best bad neighbor you can be. This will make sure that your current or future neighbors will never knock on your door to become friends or have a kind thing to say about you. It might even lead to them to Google how to cast a curse on your home.

"A bad neighbor is a misfortune, as much as a good one is a great blessing."

- Hesiod

1. Play your music really loud. Your neighbor needs to hear reggae versions of LeAnn Rimes and Celine Dion songs. Over and over again every single day. Make sure it is loud enough that you can hear it down the hall and you can't hear when your friend comes over and bangs on your door for two minutes trying to get in.

2. Make sure you smoke marijuana multiple times a day while burning an extreme amount of incense. Do it to the point that your fire alarm goes off every now and then. And who cares if your neighbor is allergic to the smoke and their place reeks of your stash? Not your problem once that smoke leaves your home.

3. When the music is not on, make sure your TV is loud enough so that your neighbor knows what you are watching. They now know how much you love watching Dr. Phil.

4. Don't have an "inside" voice. Anyone that you speak to has to be yelled at. I mean, you have to be heard over your music or TV.

5. Have your kids run up and down the hall at any hour of the day. That won't annoy an otherwise quiet building. Even better when they are yelling at each other and slamming the door. Taking them outside to a park or having them play inside your unit can be too much work.

6. Wait until a weeknight at midnight and invite your girls over for a smoking and music session, while talking and laughing loudly. Ignore security when they come over to tell you to be quiet. Who cares that others have work the next day as long as you're having fun?

7. Read the actual condo newsletter that your neighbors taped on their door out loud and act completely innocent in front of a third party. Your music is never loud and you don't smoke marijuana. You have two kids, for goodness sakes. This neighbor must be lying and out to get you. The best part is when you say the neighbor should have knocked on your door when they have issues. Of course, you'd hear the knock and answer over your super quiet household.

8. Have a fight with your husband and toss his things out in the hallway and yell expletives at him. Afterward, walk over to your neighbors door, and try to look through the peephole. Do this a few times when in the hallway. Scare tactics always work. Heck, have your friends join in.

9. Have an actual quiet day or two during the week just to throw your neighbor off of her game. Then, hit her with a double whammy the next day. Who doesn't like loud music, strong fumes, and yelling from 11am-4pm? It has to stop at 4pm, so you can go pick up your kids.

10.Think your neighbor is the absolute worst. Who does she think she is calling security on you and complaining to the management office?! And to put up a notice about respecting your neighbors on her front door? She's the absolute devil and obviously out to get you.
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Wish I could say this was all just tongue-in-cheek sarcasm, but nope. These are the actions of my neighbors across the hall. Let me just say that I have no problem with reggae music, nor do I care if people choose to smoke weed. I do care when it is seeping through my unit. I care when I can't hear my own TV over yours. And considering I have chronic migraines and ice pick headaches and I'm actually allergic to marijuana smoke, I care very deeply that I can smell yours everyday. If my health is deteriorating in my own home, I can't ignore it.

I'm seeing how it goes over the next few days after they saw the note on my door, before we decide our next move. I'd hate to have to file a complaint with the cops, but our building's management isn't doing anything further and told us that is what we would have to do. I personally don't understand why management doesn't call the person my neighbors are renting from. Surely, their actions are against rules in their lease? They rent, we own. I'll never understand why some renters just don't care how they treat the place or the people. It's sad, especially since young children are involved. I feel horrible for being "that person". But I can't go another week with the above mentioned actions taking place. I'm going insane!

If you have good neighbors, you need to bake them a cake or something because good neighbors shouldn't be taken for granted. I'm off to Google about those curses that I mentioned...